Since my earliest childhood, I sensed an inherent distance between my world and others. As a sensitive, kind, and intuitive child, I appeared, to many, oblivious to the harsh realities around me. Well-meaning relatives and friends urged me to "toughen up" for survival in the "real world," cautioning that my kindness made me vulnerable to exploitation. Over the years, I became increasingly protective of my inner sanctum, retreating into it to recharge and safeguard my beliefs. Despite external perceptions, I considered my sensitivity a strength, a true reflection of myself. Though aware of the world's wickedness, poverty, violence, and selfishness, I chose to envision a world beyond these aspects.
My internal haven became a refuge where I sought solace when feeling misunderstood or alone. Convinced that the reality resided within me, I hesitated to express my true self externally due to perceived safety concerns. I yearned to discover meaning, belonging, and a connection that mirrored my inner essence. However, those I connected with seemed unable to penetrate the depths of my heart or reciprocate what I offered. A persistent feeling hinted that a part of me beckoned from the outside world, often manifesting in dreams of shared moments on a beach, stargazing in meadows, or watching children play in a garden.
Upon reaching adulthood, I embarked on a journey to explore the world and uncover the calling I sensed. After six years abroad in a city that resonated with my heart, an ordinary day turned extraordinary when my beloved entered my life, transforming my once-gray world into a vibrant explosion of colors. The search that began in my youth abruptly ended as the profound connection surpassed anything I had ever experienced. Blinded by his light and love, I recognized that beneath our emotions lay a soul interconnected with everything. This soul possessed the power to transcend limitations and defy human logic, recognizing its counterpart in an instant. As the rush of genuine, unbridled love engulfed me, I knew that this was undeniably real, and nothing else mattered.
I hold the belief that profound truth lies in the adage asserting that our understanding is confined to what we already know, and our affinities are limited to what already exists. Consequently, the only love we can truly experience is the rediscovery of a love that has always existed, awaiting someone or something to remind us.
My beloved once acknowledged learning much about love and relationship dynamics from our connection, attributing his enhanced understanding to my remarkable communication skills. However, I disclaimed any credit, recognizing myself as his mirror, merely prompting recollection of what he already knows. I reject the notion that our purpose is to teach each other; rather, we exist to remind one another of the inherent truths. We navigate this life classroom together, uplifting humanity's hearts, and serving as conduits for a love that transcends us – the divine source, God.
Despite our deep connection, a crisis arose, causing him to withdraw. I found myself bewildered by the unfolding events, experiencing profound confusion about myself, him, and our relationship. The separation, which I feared would be my demise, followed a period of intense connection. He, however, cast doubt upon who I had become, disavowing promises and enumerating prohibitions and rejections. Left with my heart shattered and the newly discovered, still fragile version of myself seemingly obliterated, I felt unloved and unrecognizable. Desperate for understanding and reconciliation, I sought to maintain our friendship, even considering the easier path of dismissing myself as irrational. Turning to a God I had previously doubted, I prayed for release from this illusion, only to be terrorized by the realization that, each time I opened my eyes, he remained present—distant but persistently there.
In a dimly lit room, enveloped in a sense of despair, I convinced myself that he was a figment of my imagination, a creation of my own making. However, a couple of years later, as I began to perceive a glimmer of light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel and reconnected with my inner self, I unexpectedly recognized him firmly rooted in my heart—a surprising turn of events that left me bewildered. My mind raced with questions, prompting me to ask him, "What brings you here?"
Then, in a revelatory moment, I realized he hadn't simply materialized "out of nowhere." More crucially, he had never truly left or abandoned me; he had always been present, existing before I acknowledged his existence or recognized our shared foundation. This connection persisted, persists, and will persist, irrespective of our choices or actions. In this shared space, our connection remains eternal. Frequently, in my heart, I communicated with him and drew him close. The sporadic contact we maintained in the ensuing years served as confirmation of our profound connection. I understood that he could hear me, perhaps not consciously, but the thoughts flowing through his mind mirrored mine.
I reached a profound understanding that he might not have known who I was, not out of malice or a desire to inflict pain, but because he had lessons to learn or had made a certain choice. I entertained the possibility that beyond our brief time together, our connection held no significance for him, lacking the intense questioning, turmoil, and growth that I associated with our togetherness. Initially, I harbored a desire to fight for him, to awaken him from his slumber, and at times, I attempted this. Yet, I realized that forcefully fighting for love was akin to attempting to regain virginity through intercourse—utterly nonsensical. Love entails surrendering to what is, not combating reality. I also grasped that the reciprocity or acknowledgment of that love didn't matter. As long as I held the truth in my heart and soul, the actions or words of anyone, including the object of my love, should be inconsequential, for true love isn't contingent on external factors. It predates my awareness and will endure long after my departure. Embracing this acceptance, after a prolonged struggle to make sense of it all, I entrusted everything to God, simply asking for whatever unfolds to be in the best interest of all.
I came to realize that none of this is truly mine—the profound connection, the inspiring words it generates, even the individuals it has facilitated in healing. It doesn't belong to me; I'm merely a conduit for this love to manifest in our world, in this dimension. From the beginning, it was never mine to claim. God holds the prerogative to do as He pleases with it, understanding me better than I understand myself. As my beloved once conveyed, "Knock on the door, and the door will be opened," or "Ask the question, and it will be answered." God listens, He hears, and He responds unequivocally. The ensuing experiences unfolded as an endless procession of signs, visions, serendipity, synchronicities, telepathy, and the radiant light of love—all unmistakable when God is involved. Suddenly, I began to perceive everything with fresh eyes, and undeniably, my beloved was with me every step of the way.
I comprehended that there is no need for conflict, no requirement to "build" or adjust anything. No initiations must be undertaken, no ascents to conquer, no holy texts to memorize, no handstands to perfect—it already exists, patiently awaiting our discovery. Once we find our way there, we cease searching outside ourselves and instead derive boundless joy, bliss, rapture, and inspiration from embracing everything that already resides within us.
Recalling a sentiment akin to Rumi's "Whoever brought me here will have to take me home," I am certain that God ushered us into existence with a wave of love, and it is God who will guide us home. This, I believe, is the destined course of events. We must relinquish ourselves, and our egos, to authentically love one another. In losing ourselves, we find each other, and in finding each other, we rediscover ourselves. Through the exploration of our inner realms imbued with passion, friendship, and unconditional love, we learn to coexist within another's heart, secure and harmonious, as One. Home, at last.
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