When my husband and I tied the knot, I believed we had everything we needed for a successful marriage.
Love? Check. Compatibility? Check. Shared interests? Check.
No obvious warning signs seemed to be present.
However, there was a significant essential element missing from our relationship. I hadn't noticed it during our nearly six-year courtship, possibly because we were incredibly social. We both enjoyed a good time and were often out and about.
During that period, we weren't facing major decisions. Instead, it was more about deciding which friends to meet, which bar to visit, what appetizer to order, or whether to go for a Heineken or a Stella.
In retrospect, it's somewhat alarming that we married at such a young age, given our lack of compromise.
As I handed my then-boyfriend a beer, I had no inkling that the concept of compromise was foreign to him. I was blissfully unaware of his reluctance to negotiate. I didn't realize he was a person who wouldn't do anything against his will. How could I? He rarely turned down an invitation to a party, a weekend getaway, or a cocktail.
When I mention that my husband couldn't compromise, I don't just mean on major matters.
I'm talking about both the little things and the big ones.
For instance, his sisters wanted to contribute a substantial amount towards a Christmas gift for their parents, but he adamantly declined. I tried to find a middle ground, but he wouldn't budge. Eventually, I asked if he'd give them the money if he didn't have to buy me any presents.
Reluctantly, he agreed and opted not to buy me anything for Christmas, redirecting that money to his parents' gift. If he had to do something he didn't want to do, he made sure there was a price to be paid.
Here's another example: His sister was having a destination wedding with only a few months' notice, making it financially challenging for the entire family to attend. I insisted he go alone for the sake of his sister. He refused.
I wanted to repaint our living and dining room walls, but he objected. I suggested hiring someone, but he declined. So, I ended up doing it myself while taking care of our three-month-old baby, who was also on bed rest for his first month. While most new mothers struggle to get dressed and maintain a tidy home with a newborn, he showed no concern.
When there was a need to patch a section of drywall in our family room, he wouldn't do it or hire someone. Instead, my friend's husband had to come and fix it. Strangely, my husband felt no embarrassment or shame about this.
When our second home was being sold and I required my husband's assistance, he refused, even when certain tasks required a man's strength. He watched indifferently as my sister and friend, along with three women, climbed ladders and handled the repairs while he remained in his pajamas, glued to the television.
The nature of the task didn't matter to him.
When his mother was hospitalized for a month, he refused to visit. When I needed a ride home after surgery, he declined to pick me up. He wouldn't skip a party for any significant occasion.
No matter what it was, my husband simply wouldn't do anything that contradicted his preferences or desires.
This not only left me exhausted and unhappy but also resulted in a complete absence of conflict resolution in our relationship. Most of the time, we got along due to our shared interests and circle of friends.
To maintain harmony, I learned to handle many matters on my own.
Ultimately, my husband was diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder and a lack of empathy. We discovered this during our second attempt at marriage counseling, as a psychologist was able to identify these severe personality traits. Unfortunately, our first counselor lacked the expertise to recognize such issues.
However, one doesn't need to be a narcissist to be challenging. Many individuals with immature, demanding, and entitled personalities struggle with compromise and conflict resolution.
I occasionally told my husband, "You were never well-suited for marriage."
And indeed, he wasn't.
One crucial aspect of any partnership, especially marriage, is the willingness to compromise.
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