During my early years, one of my greatest fears was living a life filled with regrets. I was determined not to reach my forties and beyond, only to look back and lament over missed opportunities. I made a conscious effort to avoid this outcome by pursuing my dreams, finding the courage to leave unfavorable relationships or situations, and striving to fulfill my true potential. I refused to settle for a romantic relationship that was merely "good enough" just to have someone by my side. I knew that settling would bring unwanted baggage, so my romantic encounters were often short-lived, and I found myself single more often than not.
To me, settling is comparable to deciding to sustain a lifetime of dietary restrictions, vowing to never indulge in the foods I truly enjoy. Is that truly sustainable? Is life worth living under such circumstances? Perhaps it could be sustained for a short while, but not in the long run. Life is too short to spend avoiding the things we genuinely love. The things we love, desire, and truly want will always find a way to resurface in our lives; they cannot and should not be denied indefinitely. This has always been my guiding philosophy.
During my teens and twenties, I experienced disappointing and hurtful relationships that caused me to lose faith in love. Throughout those years, I focused on myself and prioritized my well-being. Then, much to my surprise and delight, the universe eventually brought my "perfect partner" into my life. I met my twin flame in 2011 when I was approaching 30, which already felt quite late to me. I believed that by then, I had endured enough hardship and earned the universe's reward in the form of my ideal match. However, there was a complication: he wasn't ready.
I had done everything "right." I had undergone significant healing and walked away from potential partners and job opportunities that weren't aligned with me, and all of these experiences led me directly to this perfect match. The universe had meticulously orchestrated our synchronous meeting, paving an impeccable path for our reunion. All we needed to do was acknowledge this extraordinary gift and claim it. Yet, despite the perfect divine alignment, he wasn't prepared for me. This implied that perhaps I wasn't ready either, and there was nothing I could do about it.
My plan to live a life free of regrets was no longer entirely under my control. Another person now held the power to shape my destiny.
When he first displayed signs of wanting to escape, I granted him one week to decide whether he preferred to be apart rather than together. That week was agonizing for me, and it marked the utmost limit of my tolerance for someone wavering over a decision to be with me or not.
I refused to subject myself to the torment of an unpredictable "on-again-off-again" relationship. However, I didn't inform him of my resolve; I wanted him to make his choice freely, without feeling pressured by me. When he returned and suggested that it would be better and safer for us to be "friends," I released him without argument or pursuit.
When he attempted to re-enter my life a few days later, it was too late. He had made his decision, and I had made mine. I was unwilling to settle for someone willing to let me go, especially after I had given him ample time to contemplate. I was not a revolving door, nor was I a mere option.
I was confident that I had successfully "passed the test" by walking away from something close but not perfect, and I believed that the universe would soon reward me. I expected a better relationship to come swiftly and without much delay. However, instead of receiving that, I found myself facing an overwhelming and shocking wave of pain following the loss of someone I hadn't known for long. Even though I had willingly let him go, I couldn't shake him from my thoughts, and I couldn't
I witnessed him walking away, only to commit to someone else and start building a life with that person within a few months.
Soon, I found myself paralyzed by emotional, mental, and physical pain, and there were days when simply functioning became a challenge. Surviving each day became my primary goal, rather than thriving.
Despite my best efforts to move forward and let go, day after day, month after month, year after year, I couldn't fully achieve it. There was a lingering heaviness inside me that persisted no matter how hard I tried, and I couldn't bring myself to engage with or desire anyone else romantically.
As time passed, I watched all of my friends and acquaintances find long-term, committed partners. Eventually, even those friends who had feared they would never find their special someone ended up meeting their "person." I attended their weddings as a solo guest and soon found myself attending their baby showers.
Gradually, they stopped asking if there was anything new in my love life because the answer was always the same. I became the only one among them who was still single. Eventually, I gave up hoping for a change and simply accepted my fate. My plans to avoid regrets and wasted years had slipped away, and there was nothing I could do about it. The years went by, and I had no control over what unfolded during that time. Something beyond my control held sway.
Now that I've reached my forties, I've witnessed situations come full circle. Some of the marriages I witnessed in the past decade have ended in divorce. The children who were once a driving force to have kids before it was too late are no longer babies; they are growing into young adults. Some people I knew who were married when we first met have gone through divorces, remarriages and started new families and lives with new partners.
In conversations with people in my age group, it seems that everyone has an "if only" or "what if" scenario. They ponder over what could have been if they had left a toxic work environment sooner, or if they hadn't settled for a less-than-ideal partner or situation. From their perspective, there were real consequences to settling paying was available at the time, rather than holding out for something that honored their true selves.
Nevertheless, life continues, new paths are forged, and fresh starts are always within reach. Once they moved on from those situations, even if it didn't happen as quickly as they had hoped or expected, a new beginning awaited them. A new partner, a new baby, a new job, a new living arrangement, a new perspective, and a renewed lease on life.
Furthermore, some gifts and blessings accompanied every "wrong" decision. A child who wouldn't have existed if they hadn't chosen that partner, a marriage and family that arrived later than anticipated but possibly right on time, and the valuable experience and resilience gained from facing the realities of life.
As for me, despite refusing to settle, my timeline for finding love didn't accelerate. Making the "right" decision to hold out for what I truly deserved didn't expedite matters. In many ways, I find myself in the same situation as those who are starting over at this stage of life.
I am reminded of a TikTok video featuring Dolores Cannon, a past life regressionist, where she discusses karma, soul contracts, and the inability to skip grades in the "Earth school." She advises against trying to escape one's soul contract too soon because we don't know what we signed up for. She goes on texplains best is yet to come once we fulfill our karma and contracts, and life becomes better, easier, and more enjoyable. If we try to escape prematurely, we'll have to come back and repeat the process in another lifetime.
My counterpart chose a timeline that didn't include me, and with hindsight, I now understand that a nine-year karmic cycle needed to unfold. That cycle came to an end with his death in 2020. The persistent heaviness that had prevented me from fully opening up to new potential love interests during those nine years significantly diminished after the passing of my twin flame.
Suddenly, new energy became available to me, energy that I had been unable to access for the better part of a decade. This newfound energy is also part of the shift in the collective consciousness that intensified toward the end of 2020. The collective energy is no longer as dense and burdensome to navigate as it once was.
A new chapter in my life began in 2021 when I discovered the twin flame journey and embarked on a process of reclaiming and rebuilding myself from the challenges I faced during those years of separation. Interestingly, 2021 aligned with the numerological significance of "1," symbolizing new beginnings. It almost feels as if everything unfolded according to a predetermined plan.
So, what was the purpose of refusing to settle if I find myself in a similar position as those who did settle? What difference did it make if I'm starting anew just like everyone else? What truly matters is what I chose to do with those years, a path unique to my journey. The difference lies in who I became during that time, the lessons I learned, and the karmic debts I resolved through difficult and trying circumstances.
Throughout those years, I built a successful career and later made a career change by returning to school, successfully establishing myself in a new field. I proved to myself that I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I pursued and attained an MBA, a dream that once seemed unattainable in my twenties. I strengthened my mental and emotional resilience, forging new neural pathways in my brain to overcome the effects of trauma-induced mental illness. I pursued my lifelong aspiration of becoming a writer.
I strive to become the best version of myself, continually evolving. I developed poise, grace, and dignity in the face of adversity. I established firm boundaries, standing up for myself and refusing to tolerate situations that were undeserving of me. I walked away from jobs that did not serve me, allowing me to seek opportunities that enable me to fulfill my potential. I had the freedom to sever ties without obligations or responsibilities towards anyone else, as no one depended on me financially or otherwise.
I pursued the vacations, adventures, shows, books, food, skills, and hobbies that truly interested me. I had an abundance of time, and I consciously chose not to waste it on things I did not enjoy. I achieved financial independence and manifested abundance in various aspects of my life. I live life on my terms, accountable to no one but myself. I discovered my innate healing abilities and continue to uncover my purpose in this existence. I lead a fulfilling life that is far from mundane and devoid of negativity. I found inner peace.
One of the significant lessons of the Divine Feminine in this journey is that she does not control timing and outcomes. However, she does have control over her decision to surrender to the universe, embrace what life presents at any given moment, and make the best of it.
She has the power to choose trust and have faith that the universe is not working against her and that there is a divine plan that will ultimately lead to victory, in perfect timing. She can decide to enjoy the journey, understanding that even when things appear bleak, everything is unfolding for her highest good.
As individuals on an ascension journey, we may not know precisely what we signed up for when we came to this Earth, but we understand that we agreed to face challenges and burn through karmic lessons. We agreed to co-create with the universe and master the art of surrender and faith. We must learn to dance with life and trust in the grander plan.
When it comes to decisions about "settling" or not (whatever that means to each person), the path chosen does not ultimately alter the master plan for one's life. Regardless of the road taken, we will eventually arrive at our intended destination. The only variable affected by our choices is the quality of the experiences we have along the way to our ultimate destination. Every road will eventually lead us home. Our responsibility is to ensure that the journey is enjoyable and fulfilling.
Therefore, concerning everything else, there is no need to stress because it was never within our control in the first place. Trust that the universe is working in our favor, and make every effort to appreciate both the scenic views and the ride itself.
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