Resting on your back in the hospital emergency room, breathing becomes a daunting task. Unbeknownst to you, this marks the initial of three visits to the A&E department in a single week, a testament to your struggle to rise from the floor. Every inch of your body aches, as if you've been mercilessly run over by a train. A conviction settles in – you're certain you're on the brink of death or in the throes of a heart attack. The pervasive pain, especially in your chest, proves unbearable, and even painkillers fail to alleviate the agony or erase haunting words from memory.
It's not merely the physical torment that reduces you to feeling like a lifeless entity; rather, it's the sensation of awakening abruptly from a zombie-like slumber. Nothing makes sense at this moment. Understanding eludes you as her words perfectly mirror your deepest emotions, emotions you believed were expertly concealed – or so you thought. How does she possess this knowledge? Who or what is she? Questions about your own identity arise. And what if, by some chance, everything is undeniably real?
Three years prior, following a blissful summer in the world's most romantic city, she vanished into thin air. In the excitement of your meeting, you neglected to disclose the unresolved situation with your estranged wife. Deception wasn't your intention, but you hadn't anticipated falling so profoundly for someone outside your "usual type." When your wife arrived in town, duty conflicted with newfound feelings, and you withdrew. You claimed to value her as a friend, dismissing everything else as a transient "bonus." Unbeknownst to you, she endured the agonizing rejection, not desiring to interfere with your life but only wanting your happiness. Unaware that you pushed her away to seek space for contemplation, she vanished without a trace.
Efforts to reconnect proved futile – she disappeared from her job, phone lines disconnected, emails unanswered, and no online presence to trace. Mutual friends hinted at her reconciliation with her boyfriend. Messages, both voicemails and through friends, went unanswered. The realization grew that this was your fault, an irreparable situation. Months passed with no word from her. Busy with various activities, the time together felt like a dream in another reality. After enduring your night of the soul, you relinquished control, pouring out your feelings in a heartfelt email for closure. No response came; she hastily deleted the message in a panic, unwilling to revisit intense feelings. You opted to leave the country, immersing yourself in work and your marriage to regain a semblance of normality.
After three years pass, you wake up to find an email from her in your inbox. Unbeknownst to you, she has undergone a spiritual awakening and is receiving numerous signs and synchronicities urging her to come to you. Confused by the overwhelming signals, she simply wants to ensure your happiness – which is now the case. Suddenly, you find yourselves back in the harmonious flow of your energies, rekindling your uncomplicated, timeless togetherness. Phone lines burn, emails are exchanged, and in your heart, the return was always anticipated, even if you hadn't allowed yourself to fully believe it. Everything seamlessly falls back into place, as if she had never been away.
The desire to see her arises, but she hesitates due to lingering unresolved feelings. Can she trust you not to break her heart again? Conversations about love calling souls back home and discussions about marriage, children, and finding your polar opposite unfold. Little does she know, she's unknowingly answering your deepest questions. You play along, keeping certain aspects undisclosed to prevent her from slipping away. The yearning to see her intensifies daily until the pull becomes irresistible, leading her to cross the ocean and arrive at your doorstep.
The reunion surpasses all your dreams. She remains the same woman you never ceased loving, the one who truly saw you for all that you are and could be. Breathless kisses and confessions of how much you've missed her over the years follow. The overwhelming feelings of homecoming, rightness, and the calming of your restless spirit in the waves of her love sweep over you. Falling for her again brings a mix of excitement and fear. The prospect of losing her once more is terrifying, given the difficulty you experienced the last time. The idea of going through it again is something you feel you couldn't survive.
Doubts begin to permeate your thoughts. She's still with her boyfriend, and you're still bound by marriage. The unspoken feelings between you linger as a significant uncertainty. Despite the joy of her presence, your logical mind struggles to process the situation. What does it signify? She has returned, as you had always hoped, speaking of soulmates, energies, and choosing love over fear. However, you need assurance that these sentiments are directed specifically at you. Nervousness consumes you, prompting a cigarette break, an unusual habit for you, as you cautiously broach the topic. You inquire about her feelings for you, but fearing the response, you hastily reject her before she can answer properly.
You share your soul-searching journey, declaring that you've made up your mind to maintain your "safe" marriage, placing blame on her for expecting more than you're willing to give. Yet, she isn't there to demand anything but to encourage openness, vulnerability, and authenticity—to explore the meaning of your connection together. Despite acknowledging the shared sentiment, you withdraw. One final intimate encounter occurs as the city awakens, and you draw a line, convincing yourself it was only a fleeting affair, a nod to old times.
The remaining days of her visit are painful. Feelings of being unloved, not measuring up, and the impending departure intensifies, creating a tightness in your chest. The desire to touch and hold her conflicts with the need to "do the right thing." Suppressing emotions takes a physical toll, and you long to open up but resist, wary of offering false hope or setting yourself up for another emotional fall.
Nothing terrifies you more than embracing this love, trusting her, or relying on your judgment. Self-doubt prevails. When she tenderly brushes your arm in an attempt to ease the tension, you abruptly express that true love would prompt you to fetch stars and moons, which you won't do because you don't love her. Her surprise is evident as she senses your nervous and guarded demeanor. Unafraid, she confronts the conflicting thoughts audible in your words and palpable in your heart. Exposed and vulnerable, you strive to contain intense emotions, simultaneously counting down the days until her departure and dreading the ensuing emptiness.
On the last day, a sudden fear grips you — the fear of losing her forever if you remain silent. In a moment of vulnerability, you confess that you do care, you want to see her, and you could have taken things further, but the fear of losing her again holds you back. You express the pain of falling from the pedestal she had placed you on, recounting the countless messages left unanswered. The raw, unfiltered emotions she embodies, her spontaneity, and unpredictability, make your logical mind uneasy. You acknowledge that letting her in might lead to her running off with your heart, a risk you're unwilling to take.
Standing on a New York City pavement, the lingering taste of her lips still fresh, she presses a letter into your hand, leaving you with a million unanswered questions. "Read it when I am gone," she says. As you read her words, something stirs deep within you. Her ability to touch the undiscovered recesses of your being, places she had befriended and left in unbearable pain years ago, becomes evident. The inner journey she invites you on is one of overwhelming emotions and unresolved feelings of loss, freedom, love, and longing.
The letter begins with endearing words, capturing the ease with which she entered your life. It narrates the instant attraction, a feeling of "At last!" as if finding a long-lost friend. The electric current between you, the release of the power of polarity, and the recognition of each other's souls are beautifully described. She describes feeling like she had known you forever.
Her words unveil a stream of light, illuminating deep secrets and bringing them to the surface. She grapples with the truth, the acceptance of knowing something disruptive yet undeniable. The letter captures her struggle to integrate newfound awareness, visions, and dreams, juxtaposed with doubts, denial, and conflicting thoughts.
She confesses to a constant awareness of not being the same person, a metamorphosis of awareness, new growth, and the intensity of feeling you burn in her soul. The undeniable magnetic force of your connection sweeps her up, leading to a paradoxical existence where she questions her sanity yet finds solace in the closeness you bring.
The letter delves into her inner turmoil, the struggle between doubt and misty dreams, and the constant internal debate over the reality of your connection. She questions the nature of your relationship, identifying you as the catalyst that reminds her of her true self, lifting her beyond the walls she had hidden behind.
She expresses a yearning for a love that defies circumstances, and a desire to spend a lifetime together, build a home, and create a family. Yet, she acknowledges the limitations and the understanding that such happiness is something one can only find within oneself.
The letter concludes with a profound reflection on the nature of reality and the interconnectedness of her love with her life and self. She grapples with the uncertainty of whether it's real, questioning the validity of her feelings and contemplating the possibility of a dream world existing only in her head.
As you finish reading, the thumping of your heart echoes loudly, drowning out the city's noise. Every word resonates, revealing a perfect reflection of your soul. The overwhelming feelings, once hidden, surge to the surface, causing relentless, soul-deep pain. Panic sets in, accompanied by a sense of faintness. The thought of responding to her letter paralyzes you with fear, and your knees buckle. The realization hits that you're not ready for what comes next.
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